It takes ten months to be more exact. Usually 280 days or 40 weeks. In the last few moments, anxiety takes over and it is difficult to rationalize the wait. There is a fine line that separates happiness from fear, the desire to know from premature insecurities. The stigmas heard throughout the pregnancy come to the fore, transformed into a single certainty: it will not be easy.
From fear to anxiety: Feelings in the last weeks of pregnancy
Easy crying is justified by the coming separation, by the excess hormones, by the sudden change. If a word could describe pre-delivery, it would be urgency , or a synonym for haste. I, due to the confusion of the stars, despite being Virgo, I have the disorganization as a characteristic, I heard about the need to “fix the nest” and I thought it was a mess. Now I look like a madwoman wanting to get everything ready as soon as possible.
It is almost instinctive. In addition, organizing seems to be a great thing to do when that strangeness hits. A huge emptiness takes hold of nothing… It is like when someone you love very much is close to taking a long trip and the feeling of the embrace seems to be more painful, more profound. It is your body embracing who is leaving. This must also be why, at this stage, we experience a unique feeling of loneliness . An aching loneliness, without remedy. As if for the first time in your life, only you could trace your outcome , even with wonderful people around you, and, believe me, they make a big difference, but they are unable to fill the gaps in this phase.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, you wake up covered with a crazy joy, an anxiety of the good that warns you that you are about to meet the greatest love of your life. And don’t worry if you still can’t get a dimension of this love. I still can’t do it either. They say it is magical and that it happens when the shoot is born.
Since the announcement that Caetano would arrive, I dedicated myself assiduously to his waiting. I prepared emotionally, studied a lot, read a lot of books, cultivated my legal job and made a playlist for childbirth. All this to realize that it was not yet ready.
Having such a tiny life floating inside of me was something I was not prepared for, obviously. Knowing what it took to provide life was something I was not ready for. Prematurely, I survived. Without realizing the initial weakness. 260 days, and today I only see myself like this: having this – life to provide.
As a premature baby that clings to synthetic heat, oxygen and everything that is made available to him to survive, I cling to everything to be ready to bring life .
When I was in my twenties, I arrived at 36 weeks, I have an acceptable weight. My skin is firm enough to withstand the stretching of many inches. Without an absence of vitamins or prenatal problems, and with enough muscles to now hold the weight of a lifetime.
I’m ready, to get everything ready, tidy up the house, inside and out, leave the room and my lap warm to embrace it.